Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Calming Gardens

I've been walking in gradens recently, feeling very out of sorts really.  I am going to physical therapy to try to help control the migraines.  The doctors and technicians all say that I need to exercise more and relieve stress more.  I am able to get more accomplished both at work and at home.  My attitude is improving somewhat.  I know that it's not that I need or can reduce the amount of stress in my life but that I need to change how I react to it.

That being said, last night I started a "Mind, Body Spirit - Total Health" class.  It was an eye opener. Too often I was asked, "And how does that make you feel?" I wanted to respond, "Well, it makes me feel really fucked up."  Instead, I simply answered that I often feel stressed.  I have 7 more sessions to go. This is going to hurt me more than physical therapy.  Mental/emotional pain always hurts deeper and longer than physical pain and this class is definitely starting to dig in deep. 

Basically, this isn't how I expected my life to turn out.  Honestly, when I was a child I truly thought that if you go through the horrors that I knew as a child that the universe would balance that out later in your life with overwhelming blessings.  I'm not sure how I got that stuck in my head.  Perhaps I thought that to help me get through those very painful days and nights of my youth.  Now I begrudge the idea.  I don't feel that life has balanced out and part of me feels deeply cheated.  Another part of me is furious at myself for ever having that thought, even if it was some survival tactic.

So I walk in gardens trying to find calm and peace and some way to forgive myself ... because I cannot forgive those who hurt me as a child.

 Poem from 8-16-2012

I am stumbled
and unholy
lost in dreams
I turn to folly
I am broken
beyond repair
bumbling blindly
through despair
I wish for hope
then dare not wish
cursed from birth
with a devil's kiss
I am drawn ill
weak and blundered
I wish for peace,
sympathy, and comfort

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