Tuesday, May 23, 2017
I seem to be lost. The sun comes up and the sun goes down. I don't accomplish much in between. There are so many things that I could be doing but I feel like I'm drowning. The anxiety stops me from doing anything. There's this underlying fear that anything I create will be less than, it will be flawed, it will not be the perfect image that I hold in my head. There's also an underlying current that it's too late to accomplish anything in life. I'm too old now. I've reached my expiration date and that nothing I do now or have done in life matters. I fear that don't hold value to anyone, not anyone or anything in the vast universe. Part of me just wants that white knight to come save me from myself. Another part of me wishes that part would shut up because, damn it, it's all been a useless fantasy. Sometimes I barely have the strength to keep breathing. I feel so exhausted just fighting my own competing emotions. Fighting off anxiety and losing. Seriously, that's messed up. Truly, I don't know what to do next and I wish someone would just tell me. But there's no answer. It's all silence.