The semicolon has come into popularity as a symbol for those who have thought about or tried to take their life. The explanation is as follows: A semicolon is used when the author could have ended the sentence but decided to continue instead.
I have in fact attempted suicide. This first time I was 14 and I had been removed from my abusive home (where I was later returned). I realized that i would never be "normal"; that I would never be able to live and experience life like everyone else. I was damaged. I could not see how I would ever heal or be able to have a relationship that wasn't extremely dysfunctional. I wanted to die. In my mind it was like wiping the slate clean. [Although I had been raised as a Christian, I had serious doubts about how it all worked. It has always felt unbalanced.] I want to be clean again, without baggage, without scars. One of the workers in the facility found me about to hang myself in a closet with a belt. I was stopped and had additional counseling for a while. I decided to try to life again though it wasn't really a conscience thought.
Over the years, I have thought about it several other times. Early in my marriage I was again having trouble with this "normal" thing. It was very difficult keeping everything together and juggle all my responsibilities. I often suffered from depression and anxiety (I've had severe bouts with both since I can remember - social anxiety is a serious problem for me) and when I become overwhelmed with too many crisis or too many thoughts/feelings (PTSD), I just shut down. It's then that the thoughts of "ending things" enters.
What has stopped me on these occasions is my children. Having grown up as a child who lost a parent from suicide, I know how it feels. There's a blank space and many complicated emotions associated with that person. I didn't want to damage my children like that. My children have kept me alive through these dangerous thoughts. For them I put down the gun whose weight felt so right in my hands. For them I put the cap back on the pill bottle. For them I pulled the car back into the correct lane at the last minute. I want to be there for them through their difficulties (when I can) both physically and emotionally. I'm not a perfect mother. There have been times when I dropped the ball due to my anxieties and emotional/mental turbulence, but I've been in their lives.
EVERY SINGLE DAY I work to be present in my children's lives. The tattoo is a reminder: When thoughts of suicide enter your mind and you can't see going on for yourself, be there for them. Get help when/if you need it. Keep going.
