Sunday, April 29, 2012

Trying to Find Myself

I have to admit that I feel lost.  I've written poetry and short fiction for so long - since I was 11.  It was a way to escape from the life I felt trapped in.  I'm way into adulthood but I still feel trapped.  Sometimes it's situations that you want to escape.  Sometimes it's yourself.  For me I think it's always been both.  As I get older I become more comfortable in my own skin.  Then there are weekends like this when I just feel lost in my own skin again.  I am deeply uncomfortable with my body and I feel like it's betraying me.  It's breaking down and in need of repair.  I'm going in for sugery on May 9th.  Part of me is extremely hopeful at the thought of a positive life-changing event.  Another part of me is very fearful.  It's a door closing.  What door will be opening for me?  I desperately need my life to be so much better than it is now.  In the end I have simple wants.  I want to be safe, healthy, happy, creative, and productive.  I'm not sure that I feel or am any of those things right now.  I pray for these things daily.

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