December 19, 2016
I came to a decision in the autumn of 2016, as I looked
around at our ever crowded small house that I needed to let go of a number of
things – possessions that were no longer fulfilling any true purpose. I questioned why I still held on to
them.
Then I fell very ill in December and required
hospitalization. While the IV dripped
antibiotics as I lay in the hospital bed, I had much time to think and
reconsider my life. The questions that I
had been ruminating over before I fell ill now were magnified and
screaming. If I died what have I left
behind? I have had varied obsessions and
false focuses. Often I have focused on
material goods. I did not want to leave
this mass of tangled obsessions and material things for my loved ones to sort
after I was gone.
As I said earlier, I had already begun to untangle
myself. I had sorted a few things here
and there. A small beginning but a start
none the less. When decorating for
Christmas we decided to let go of some ornaments and decorations. This led to sorting through unused Christmas
cards I’d kept from past years, pieces of pack we’d mailed out. I put them all in a box to go to
charity. Why had I kept them? [In case I
needed them? – after 8 or 10 years if they haven’t been used, they probably
wouldn’t be used. Let it go.] I moved on
to my collected cards and stationary.
After sorting through it, I decided to let go of quite a few various
occasion cards – birthday, anniversary, get well soon, sympathy. Some of these I’d had for YEARS. Again, if I hadn’t used them by now, would I
ever?
And there is the question I should be putting to ALL of my
belongings which I have steadily gathered.
If I have not used them by now, will I ever? Why do I keep them then? If there is no reason to keep it, no
sentimental attachment, no true purpose, then it is time for it to leave my
life and depart my house.
I applied this question to a mass of notepads that had piled
up from charity mailings. I had not
asked for them, yet I had kept them.
Why? [In case I needed them – If
I hadn’t used them up in a year or two, then I probably never would.] It was past time for them to go. So I added
them to the box to go to charity. I also
sorted through a few of my files and notebooks.
Information on topics that had caught my fancy. Information that now holds no sway for
me. I put paper goods into recycling or
in the shredder. Notebooks and files were either tossed out, reused, or put
into the charity box.
The progress is slow.
My body is still fighting an infection.
I will move through all my possessions.
I know my books will be the hardest to sort. But I have bought more than I will ever be
able to read in my lifetime. If I do not
love a book after reading it, if I will not return to re-read it time and
again, then I need to release it. I had
already started donating some books which didn’t sell on eBay to the ARC (a
local program that helps special needs people in the community) for their
library. Their library was just so small
when I toured their facilities all I could think was that my own collection was
ten times the size. I made a vow then to
give them what I would not keep.
I do not wish to just disentangle myself. If I can help others then I will do it. Let all that I so foolishly gathered and
hoarded go to help so many others. My
goals for 2017 are simple. I must do all
I can to mend and heal myself. Not just
for the sake of others but for myself.
But those details are for another post.
I will continue to untangle myself from material possessions. Unburying myself. I will continue to ask
myself why I have kept something, does it still fit into my life, is there
someone else who could use it more.
January 19, 2017
Since writing down the aforementioned thoughts I have moved
forward in my goals in small ways here and there. I’ve sorted some of my clothes (short and
long sleeved shirts to be exact), purses, and scarfs. I’ve also cleared a lot of paperwork from my
desk either by filing them or tossing/shredding them. I still have much to do.
Aside and perhaps along with the idea of letting things go,
there is the question of why I have hung on to other things in life. I plan to
apply this to non-material things as well.
All the sewing, crafting, and art projects I’ve held onto yet haven’t
completed or, in some cases, haven’t even started, am I really REALLY going to
get around to doing them? If not, then
is it time to let it go?
The biggest question I’m facing is, what about my
writing? In therapy I figured out that
my writing had a place when I was younger.
The stories/fantasies that I created in my childhood were an escape from
the things that were going on around me.
[My childhood was not as pleasant as one would hope for.] But I’m not in those same circumstances now. Also, it is becoming harder for me to sit
down and complete the story/book ideas that come to me. I have thought I wanted to be a writer since
I was 12 years old. Now, I’m not so sure that is the right fit for me. I’ve read what different writers have said
online about what it takes to be a writer and the actual creation seems like
it’s only 20% of what is needed. Writers
have to be strong and able to take criticism. They have to have thick skin. They have to be organized and have a bit of
business sense. I feel that I’m lacking
in many of these regards. So after 35
years of assuming that my career will eventually be that of a writer, I
question whether this is just a childhood fantasy that became more like an
obsession. I fantasized about writing
great novels and having throngs of readers. Perhaps this was just a
manifestation of my need to find a way to fit in, a way to feel wanted/included.
I have a lot of work to do in 2017. Not just with cleaning out my closets and
downsizing and letting go, but with reorganizing my life. I’m probably (hopefully) at the midpoint in
my life. I may live to be in my 80’s or
even 90’s. So what do I do with the rest
of my life? Do I give up on things I’ve played at for 25 or 35 years? Or do I
redouble my efforts? Where do I go from
here? This isn’t a fantasy, a musical,
or a best seller. I can’t rely on a happily ever after ending. This is life in real time. How is that time
best spent – for me, for my family?
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