Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Reading List for 2018



2018 was a year of changes.  We moved in late 2017 which left me with establishing a new home and re-establishing all the services for my autistic son.  It took a lot of work but I got them all in place only to have some of them fall apart in the last weeks of 2018.  So here we go again!  But hey, I still have my great escape in reading!  I have an ever expanding personal library.  So much so that I’ve made a vow that if I don’t extremely love the book after reading it, if I don’t plan to read it again, then I have to let it go.  Now if I could just control myself at thrift stores, yard sales, and trips to Barnes and Nobles in the mall (I lie to myself that I’m only going in to look while my son is doing community days with Pokemon Go).  This year was also a big year for audio books with me as I’ve found I’m more productive when using them.  This came in handy while I was canning from the garden we planted this year and finishing the quilt for my great niece.  It will also come in handy as I start the “I’m going to exercise and eat healthier” new year’s resolution.   We’ll see how well an exercise routine fits into my life.

Books Read in 2018

Shakespeare's Champion - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)










Shakespeare's Christmas - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)










Shakespeare's Trollop - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)











Shakespeare's Counselor - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)










Feral - Holly Schindler











The Fortune Quilt - Lani Diane Rich











Truly Devious - Maureen Johnson











Miss Bunkle's Book - D. E. Stevenson











Dusk or Dark or Dawn or Day - Seanan McGuire











Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Presents: A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo - Jill Twiss, E.G. Keller (illustrated)










The Fate of Mercy Alban - Wendy Webb











A Head Full of Ghosts - Paul Tremblay











Black Orchid (graphic novel) - Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean











Best Loved Fairy Tales of Walter Crane (illustrated)











Norse Mythology - Neil Gaiman











Krampus the Yule Lord - Gerald Brom











This Savage Song - V.E. Schwab











Rolling in the Deep (novella) - Mira Grant











A Vintage Affair - Isabel Wolff











Life and Death - Stephanie Meyer











Gwendy's Button Box - Stephen King and Richard Chizmar











Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant











Sparrow Hill Road - Seanan McGuire











The Lady of the Rivers - Philippa Gregory











City of Ghosts - Victoria Schwab











The Reformed Vampire Support Group - Catherine Jinks











The War That Saved Me - Kimberly Brubaker Bradley











The War I Finally Won - Kimberly Brubaker Bradley











Royals - Rachel Hawkins











Joe Hill's The Cape - Joe Hill, Jason Ciaramella, Zach Howard











World War Z - Max Brooks











The Things About Jellyfish - Ali Benjamin











An Easy Death - Charlaine Harris











Our Dark Duet - VE Schwab











By the Time You Read This I'll Be Dead - Julie Anne Peters











The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman











M is for Magic - Neil Gaiman












Audio Books in 2018

Agent to the Stars - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton











Astrophysics for People in a Hurry - Neil DeGrasse Tyson











Artemis - Andy Weir - read by Rosario Dawson











Locked In - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton











Lock and Key - Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodrigues - read by cast











The Android's Dream - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton











Needful Things - Stephen King











Dead But Not Forgotten: Stories from the World of Sookie Stackhouse - Charlaine Harris and Toni L. P. Kelner Editors - read by Johanna Parker










Fuzzy Nation - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton











Strong Ending: From Combat to Comedy - narrated by Mary-Louise Parker










Elevation - Stephen King











Lullaby - Jonathan Maberry - read by Scott Brick











Feed the Dragon - Sharon Washington











Girls and Boys - Dennis Kelly - read by Carey Mulligan












Quilt for my great niece, Kaydense.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Tattoo

This year for my birthday I got a tattoo.  I've talked for years about getting one but could never settle on a design or a location for it.  Finally I had cobbled a design together that had real meaning for me: An infinity sign that included the names of my two children and the semicolon.


The semicolon has come into popularity as a symbol for those who have thought about or tried to take their life.  The explanation is as follows:  A semicolon is used when the author could have ended the sentence but decided to continue instead.

I have in fact attempted suicide.  This first time I was 14 and I had been removed from my abusive home (where I was later returned).  I realized that i would never be "normal"; that I would never be able to live and experience life like everyone else.  I was damaged.  I could not see how I would ever heal or be able to have a relationship that wasn't extremely dysfunctional.  I wanted to die.  In my mind it was like wiping the slate clean.  [Although I had been raised as a Christian, I had serious doubts about how it all worked.  It has always felt unbalanced.]   I want to be clean again, without baggage, without scars.  One of the workers in the facility found me about to hang myself in a closet with a belt.  I was stopped and had additional counseling for a while.  I decided to try to life again though it wasn't really a conscience thought.

Over the years, I have thought about it several other times.  Early in my marriage I was again having trouble with this "normal" thing.  It was very difficult keeping everything together and juggle all my responsibilities.  I often suffered from depression and anxiety (I've had severe bouts with both since I can remember - social anxiety is a serious problem for me) and when I become overwhelmed with too many crisis or too many thoughts/feelings (PTSD), I just shut down.  It's then that the thoughts of "ending things" enters.

What has stopped me on these occasions is my children.  Having grown up as a child who lost a parent from suicide, I know how it feels.  There's a blank space and many complicated emotions associated with that person.  I didn't want to damage my children like that.  My children have kept me alive through these dangerous thoughts.  For them I put down the gun whose weight felt so right in my hands.  For them I put the cap back on the pill bottle.  For them I pulled the car back into the correct lane at the last minute.  I want to be there for them through their difficulties (when I can) both physically and emotionally.  I'm not a perfect mother.  There have been times when I dropped the ball due to my anxieties and emotional/mental turbulence, but I've been in their lives.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I work to be present in my children's lives. The tattoo is a reminder: When thoughts of suicide enter your mind and you can't see going on for yourself, be there for them.  Get help when/if you need it.  Keep going.

Monday, September 10, 2018

All the RAGE for Stephen King


When I was fifteen I found a book on my sister's bookshelf and read it while I stayed with her.  It had a black cover and a brooding young man sitting on a teacher's desk looking like a bad boy instead of a madman.  On the bottom right of the cover is a woman's pair of legs lying on the floor, her dress slid above the knees; the rest of the body is just out of sight off the cover. The cover itself held a quiet seduction without showing any outward violence.  I felt a certain electricity holding it. Like a forbidden text. I had to read it.


The book was RAGE by Richard Bachman.  It's the story of Charlie Decker, a young man in the 1970's pushed to the edge by circumstances in his home life and at school.  After being expelled for assaulting a teacher, he takes a gun to school and decides to, as he puts it, "get it on".  When I was fifteen, in the mid 1980's, school shootings were unheard of and deeply shocking. Today they have become so common place that people are almost numb to them until it happens to them or someone they know.

I somewhat identified with the pressures that Charlie Decker felt.  I understood that compulsion to lash out at those who you feel/know keep you down or abuse you; of being tired of being fucked with. At the time I read the book, I'd been fucked with all my life.  I was physically, sexually, and emotionally/mentally abused at home.  At school I was severely bullied and isolated with few friends that I could trust.  I knew Charlie Decker, identified with that quiver of insanity, and almost loved him for it. I had found someone (the character, the author?) who somehow understood me. However, instead of inspiring me to violence, reading the book inspired me to write my emotions out into stories instead of acting them out.  It was an easy way for a 5'2", 85 lb girl to vent her emotions without too serious a repercussion. It was a good outlet for me and led to my working on the high school newspaper.

Years later I learned that Richard Bachman was a pen name Stephen King used during the late 1970's.  I had read a couple of King's books at this point and enjoyed his work.  It struck me that I hadn't made the connection.  Rage is not all that different from CARRIE (minus the supernatural).  Both Carrie and Charlie had been abused/neglected by a parent.  Both had bad experiences at school. Both had at least some trouble connecting with their peers.  It's almost like two sides of a coin. [While I hadn't read CARRIE at fifteen, I had seen the movie with Sissy Spacek and really identified strongly with that character - downtrodden, abused, long red hair, and gray-blue eyes always averted unless told to make eye contact.]


Sissy Spacek from CARRIE




In the 1990's, there was a sudden sharp increase in school shootings (unfortunately they only continue to rise).  When a copy of RAGE was connected to several of the shooters, Stephen King had his publisher pull the book from print.  (See articles about it here and here.)  He also had RAGE pulled from further printings of the Bachman books collection. Secondhand copies of the Bachman collection with RAGE in it can still be found for sale online at places like found for sale online at places like eBay, Etsy, and Amazon. However, copies of an original print of RAGE are few and far between and priced outrageously.




Because I felt a strong positive connection with the book, I do still try to find it.  My sister no longer has her copy.  It appears to have been lost long ago.  So I look for it in thrift stores, used book stores, yard sales, and estate sales.  I found an original copy of CARRIE that way.  Maybe one day I'll find RAGE without having to spend $100's or $1,000's for it.  I just want a copy as a reminder: This is where you truly started, dig deeper into your stories and characters; let this be an outlet for your pain and working through your confusions in life's day to day struggle.  Wish me luck finding it!




Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Blind Trust



 Let me tell you a story. 

Just after the release of "Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire" I had a discussion with a co-worker that was unsettling.  She had red hair and three red haired sons.  I made the comment that they
were like the Weasley family in the Harry Potter series.  I had expected maybe a laugh out of the comment.   Instead I was hit with a stern rebuke.  She told me that Harry Potter was not something
that she and her family would read or even allow in her house.  Her pastor had preached that it promoted witchcraft and that in the latest book there was even the sacrifice of a baby.

Having read the series and the latest book, I was deeply and utterly shocked.  I told her so and that there were in fact no babies sacrificed in any of the Harry Potter books.  She argued that her
pastor had even given the page number.  Had she read it, I asked.  She responded that she didn't have to, she trusted her pastor.

I read the page she gave me. It was the graveyard scene where Voldemort is resurrected.  Taken out of context, I could see some confusion.  What really struck me was her complete blind trust in
what her pastor at a conservative evangelical church had told her.  [This church was part of a larger religious network that sent talking points for the pastors to preach.]  How could she just blindly
trust whatever this person said?! How could she not investigate it herself?  Simply reading the book would have shown her that this claim was blatantly false. What other lies had this organization,
through her pastor, pressed her to believe?

No matter how I tried to explain she would never believe me over what her pastor had told her.  She refused what was truth.  She gladly accepted these lies.  She never looked at me the same again.  It broke me a little because we had been friends up until that point.

After this encounter I could never trust an evangelical church.  If they were willing to tell an easily disprovable lie about a book, what else were they willing to do to control those in their
congregations?  I found it to be dangerous and insulting to God to spread these falsehoods.  If you are a true Christian you would not have to lie about something to bring others to your belief.  If
you are a true Christian you should not have to mold society to follow your belief system in over to avoid temptations.  You should be able to work through anything and still hold your beliefs.



Membership to churches has declined over the last few decades due to societal shifts.  It's not that Jesus isn't cool anymore.  It's that many simply don't see those attending church as following His
Words.  I stopped attending church due to all this hypocrisy.  But it's not just that, there is this underlying current of misogyny that bothers me - women are lesser, weaker, bringers of sin who need to obey their husbands and church elders (men) in all things.   I felt as if they were saying that women must be controlled by a man or she'll make sinful choices/become corrupt.  I've been controlled before when I was a child in an abusive home.  I never wanted to be in that situation again.  So I worship on my own. I also noted an undercurrent of prejudice against anyone not white, not the right type of Christian, or not  American.  I once heard a pastor preach about a landslide in a Central American country that had killed many people and he lamented about all those lost souls.  I sat there thinking about how many of those who died were probably Catholic and wondered how they were lost when they believed in the same God.  What is not an undercurrent is anti-intellectual/anti-
science that is prevalent in these churches.  These are direct threats to the control of their congregations, to the way they think and believe.


As I reflect back on that encounter with my friend, I see a larger picture emerging.  Evangelical Christians are not satisfied with simply controlling those in their churches.  They are indignant that
their power is shrinking.  There's been a campaign to spread their control nationwide.  Like a pyramid scheme, those below see themselves as defending the faith and spreading the Word, while
those higher up know the truth that the end game is to control society on a larger scale.  In public office these evangelical Christians put religion above the law of the land, the common good of the
people, ignoring those they are supposed to represent if they don't share their views, and try to change laws to fit their religious beliefs regardless of any other religions that may be represented in
their area or science that disproves their beliefs.  If they had their dithers everyone would believe as they believe or they would at least follow the evangelical expected norms without complaint
(hide your differences and be silent).  These people would turn back the clock to the 1950's McCarthy era or to the early 1900's.  Those who are different/don't follow the "accepted way" of thinking
are ostracized and have fewer opportunities/paths in life.

Not everyone who pushes for this return to another era is doing this out of love of Christ.  There are people with money, full of hypocrisy who simply want to make more money and limit those who can have money/power.  Keeping the workers down, keeping women in their place, keeping the minorities as second class citizens.  It's a type of slavery that these people appreciate.

The seeds of lies planted year after year by conservative evangelical Christians have come to bloom.  Today we have a divided nation.  We have a group of Republicans and others in leadership
positions who are more than willing to go along with what the Evangelicals want because it solidifies their power (and makes them richer).  They are willing to pedal lies to the masses.  They are
so proud as their lies and their actions erode the true foundations this democracy was built upon. I fear that the very religion of those who built this country will be its downfall.


Like in the Harry Potter series, due to fear of Voldemort lies are preferred over truth because it maintains a status quo and then because it solidifies the power and control exerted by Voldemort
and his deatheaters when they take control.  I can only hope that life does not repeat fiction.  I have no answers as to how to fix this erosion that is damaging our country and our freedoms except to
continue to press the truth, to check the truth of things others push, and to not lose my own faith. Like in the Harry Potter series we must fight against the darkness to again gain the light.