Newest Quilt Project 2026

My Daughter asked me to make a quilt out of her old Rilakkuma t-shirt and fabric paraphernalia.  I've only managed 7 blocks out of the 16 I need for this project.  Wish me luck because the black t-shirt fabric that I got to be the background for the blocks is slippery and the sewing machine likes to eat it.  I have tried not to cuss, but so help me, it has been a struggle.

This was the center piece that I started with. All others will go around it. It is made from 4 handkerchiefs with the different seasons on them.

I will need to re-do this on as I messed up the lower black edging.  The fabric moves like a snake.

This was not finished when I took the photo. The 2 wash cloths and the 2 t-shirt pieces are totally surrounded by the black fabric.

This photo was taken before the black fabric outline was sewn on.

Books Read in 2025

 

The total books read/listened to was 54. However, I was working on a complicated quilt for one of my great-nephews, selling items on eBay, and pissing my life away on TikTok. I'm sure there were tons of other things I accomplished but I can't remember them at the moment. 

Books

Extreme Prey - John Sanford

In the Shadows: A Dark Stalker Romance - J. A. Owenby

For Whom the Belle Tolls - Jaysea Lynn

So Thirsty - Rachel Harrison

Escape Clause - John Sanford

Golden Prey - John Sanford

Deep Freeze - John Sanford

Twisted Prey - John Sanford

Holy Ghost - John Sanford

Small Things Like These - Claire Keegan

Neon Prey - John Sanford

Bloody Genius - John Sanford

Find Me in The Dark - Dea Poirier

Holly - Stephen King

Masked Prey - John Sanford

After I Fall - Melisssa Sercia (Repeat)

After I Run - Melissa Sercia (Repeat)

Never Flinch - Stephen King

Ocean Prey - John Sanford

Dead Until Dark - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Living Dead in Dallas - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Club Dead - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Dead to the World -Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Dead as a Doornail - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Definitely Dead - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

From Dead to Worse - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Dead and Gone - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Dead in the Family - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Dead Reckoning - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Dead Locked - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

After Dead - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

Dear Ever After - Charlaine Harris (repeat)

The Push - Ashley Audtrain

Last Rites - Ozzy Oasbourne

Jack the Ripper - Jackson R. Noble

Audio Books

Holding - Graham Norton

Forever Home - Graham Norton

Slow Time Between the Stars - John Scalzi

A Promised Land - Barack Obama

 The Ballad of Black Tom - Victor Lavalle

Mile 81 - Stephen King

The Egg and Other Stories - Andy Weir

Frankie - Graham Norton

The Life and Loves of a He Devil - Graham Norton

The Dark Water Bride -Marty Ross

Certain Dark Things - Silva Moreno-Garcia

Inside Jobs - Ben H Winters

The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion

Cut and Run - Ben Acker and Ben Blacker

Bright Young women - Jessica Knoll

The Investigator - John Sanford

The Deep - Rivers Soloman

Mind Hunter - John E. Douglas and Mark Olshaker

Wally Roux: Quantum Mechanic

Back in the Saddle

I began this blog years ago with a page about yard sale finds and selling some of the items on eBay for a profit.  Well, I'm back with eBay sales. However, this time I've gotten myself into a bit of a mess. After we had moved here and while I was shocked by my deep level of grief, I visited a lot of yard sales and thrift shops. Retail therapy? Partly.  But also, because I had watched a lot of videos about buying to flip for a profit. Neat side gig, right?  Here's the problem, you have to have space to store everything until it sells and if it doesn't sell, what do you do with it.

My therapist says it comes from my ADHD and addictive personality.  I don't drink to excess or do drugs, but I can obsess about ideas, things, even people.  At the time of my grief, I also picked up a serious problem with Temu.  I'm sorry to say my family now calls me a hoarder as all of my personal spaces in the house are deeply cluttered.  As I said, I'm in therapy and now I'm on new meds that are helping me.  It's better to be hyper focused on listing stuff on eBay and getting excited over every sale.

If you're interested in seeing what weird stuff I'm selling, click here.  To wet your curiosity below are a few photos:

  

 

 

 

  

BOOKS READ IN 2024

I learned early in 2024 that I had torn two tendons in my ankle, including the Achilles tendon. In April I had surgery and was down for six weeks.  I read a few books during that time.  After I could walk again without wearing a boot I had to endure physical therapy.  Not fun whatsoever.  We had a garden again and I had t have help in the kitchen to get the canning and freezing of the veggies done. However, my ankle was still bothering me, so I finished out the year knowing I'd have to go back under the knife. Still no friends but my books. 

(written in 2025)

1. They Never Learn - Layne Fargo
2. Demon Copperhead - Barbara Kingsolver (audible)
3. Becoming The Boogeyman - Richard Chizmar
4. The Fourth Monkey - J. D. Barker
5. Wist - Steve M. Robertson (graphic novel)
6. The Haunting - Natasha Preston
7. Wicked Prey - John Sanford
8. Heat Lightning - John Sanford
9. Rough Country - John Sanford
10. Storm Prey - John Sanford
11. The Magnolia Inn - Anne-Marie Meyer
12. Buried Prey - John Sanford
13. The Last Dress from Paris - Jade Beer (audible) 
14. Magnolia Homecoming - Anne-Marie Meyer
15. Bad Blood - John Sanford
16. Snow, Glass, Apple - Neil Gaiman & Colleen Doran
17. Local Woman Missing - Mary Kubice
18. Stolen Prey - John Sanford
19. If You Ask Me - Betty White (audible)
20. Possession - Brynne Asher
21. Mad River - John Sanford
22. Silken Prey - John Sanford
23. Hail Mary - Andy Weir (audible)
24. Phantom - Greer Rivers
25. The Wedding Dress Sewing Circle - Jennifer Ryan (audible)
    
26. The Truths We Hold -Kamala Harris
27. Nothing But Blackened Teeth - Cassandra Khaw (audible)
28. A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking - T. Kingfisher (audible)
29. I was a Teenage Slasher - Stephen Graham Jones
30. Haunt Sweet Home - Sara Pinsker
31. Pen Pal - J. T. Geissinger
32. Graveyard Shift - M. L. Rio
33. Sex and Vanity - Kevin Kwan (audible)
34. Fiels of Prey - John Sanford
35. The Lost Bookshop - Evie Woods (audible)
36. Gathering Prey - John Sanford

BOOKS READ IN 2023

What can I say about 2023? It was cold and snowy at the beginning of the year. In June, I fell off a stool into the corner of an entertainment center, giving myself a concussion that turned serious. We had a garden and I preserved the produce by freezing it or canning it. I found a therapist at the end of 2022 who helped me deal with some of the grief from losing Mom. I'm still recovering.  I wish I could have gotten there in time.  I am still having trouble making friends, though I try to talk to my neighbors.  So when loneliness hit, I turned to books, of course. The end of the year was snowy and cold. Weather to snuggle up to the fire with a good book.

(written in 2025)

1. Secret Prey - John Sanford
2. A Thousand Naked Strangers - George Newbern (audible)
3. Souls (A Killers Novel) - Brynne Asher
4. Spare - Prince Harry (audible)
5. Murder By Other Means - Johns Scalzi (audible)
6. Certain Prey - - John Sanford
7. Easy Prey - John Sanford
8. China Rich Girlfriend - Kevin Kwan (audible)
9. Rich People Problems - Kevin Kwan (audible)
10. The Serpent In Heaven - Charlane Harris
11. Chosen Prey - John Sanford
12. Mortal Prey - John Sanford
13. The Light We Carry - Michelle Obama (audible)
14. A House With Good Bones - T. Kingfisher (audible)
    
15. Naked Prey - John Sanford
16. The Diamond Eye - Kate Quinn
17. Dead Until Dark - Charlaine Harris (re-read)
18. Hidden Prey - John Sanford
19. What Moves The Dead - T. Kingfisher
20. Broken Prey - John Sanford
21. A Botanist's Guide to Parties and Poisons - Kate Khavari (audible)
22. Little Sister Death - William Gay
23. The President's Brain is Missing - John Scalzi (audible)
24. The Man on the Mountain Top - Susan Trott (audible)
25. Too Mulch to Handle - Hy Hanna
26. Chasing the Boogeyman - Richard Chizmar
27. Dark of the Moon - John Sanford
28. Dance Macabre - Stephen King (audible)
29. Invisible Prey John Sanford
30. The Sisters _ Dervla McTierman (audible)
31. Crazy Rich Asians - Kevin Kwan (audible)
32. All The Dead Shall Weep - Charlaine Harris
33. Starter Villian - John Scalzi (audible)]
34. The Last Devil To Die - Richard Osman
35. Kiajui Preservation Society - John Scalzi (audible)
36. Phantom Prey -John Sanford
37. Ruthless King - Meghan March
38. Defiant Queen Meghan March
39. Sinful Empire - Meghan March
40. The Trees Grew Because I Bled There - Eric LaRocca
41. Vines - Brynne Asher (re-read)
42. Paths - Brynne Asher (re-read)
43. Gift - Brynne Asher (re-read)
44. Heart of Iron (First Draft) - C. M. Alongi
    
    

Books Read in 2022

The following books were consumed in 2022 while we settled into our new house, and I tried to recover from the grief of losing my mother in December of 2021.  I also lost my 2-year-old great nephew, Wyatt, in February of 2022 - exactly 2 months to the day of losing my mother. Over the summer while canning squash, jars I had in the pressure cooker to preserve exploded into my face and hand causing second degree burns. Then in September we lost my brother-in-law in a long slow death.  It was basically just an all-around shit of a year.

(written in 2025)

1. Cemetery Girl: The Pretenders - Charlaine Harris & Christopher Golden
2. Cemetery Girl: Inheritance - Charlaine Harris & Christopher Golden
3. Cemetery Girl: Haunted - Charlaine Harris & Christoper Golden
4. An Elderly Lady Must Not Be Crossed - Helen Tursten
5. After I Fall (Immortal Billionaire Series) -Melissa Sercia
6. After I Break (Immortal Billionaire Series) - Melissa Sercia
7. The Adventures of Alice LaSelles - Alexandrina Victoria & Jacqueline Wilson
8. Billy Summer - Stephen King
9. After I Run (Immortal Billionaire Series) - Melissa Sercia
10. After I burn (Immortal Billionaire Series) - Melissa Sercia
11. Secrets of the Greek Revival - Eva Pohl
12. The Library of the Dead - T. L Hutchu
13. The Thursday Murder Club - Richard Osma
14. Opium and Absinthe _Lydia King
15. The Man Who Died Twice - Richad Osman
16. The Russian Cage - Charlaine Harris
17. Agnes and The Hitman - Jennifer Cruise & Bob Mayer
18. After I Obey (Immortal Billionaire Series) - Melissa Sercia
19. Suicide Kings - Stephen Blackmore
20. First Grave on the Right - Darynda Jones
21. Rules of Prey - John Sanford
22. Th One That Got Away - Charlaine Harris
23. The Ink Black Heart - Rober Galbraith
24. Shadow Prey - John Sanford
25. The Body in the Wood - April Henry
26. Silent Prey - John Sanford
27. Winter Prey - John Sanford
28. Night Prey - John Sanford
29. Blood Will Tell - April Henry
30. Levi - Bryanne Asher
31. Mind Prey - John Sanford
32. Travel By Bullet - John Scalzi
33. Sudden Prey - John Sanford

Books Read in 2021

I know, I know... I'm extremely late getting this out.  It's been a very harsh winter both weather-wise and personally.  We Moved to North Dakota in the spring and started to unpack half the house. The house we bought needed months long construction during the summer to finish the basement where my son's room and my studio would be. In the autumn I received a rather bad burn when jars of squash in my canner exploded onto my face and arms. Then in the winter I lost my mother, my 2 year old great nephew, and my beloved cat, Midnight in the span of just two months.  I'll do a post on all that's happened later.  

During the first part of the year after we moved and while the basement was being finished, the only books I had to read were on my Kindle or on Audible or the few I bought along the way. All my books were still packed in moving boxes and stored in the garage... for so many months. I didn't realize how attached to my books I am.  I have to admit though that I think I may have read less this past year simply because I was unpacking, managing a remodel, unpacking again, and then towards the end of the year I became addicted to TikTok and Facebook Reels.  I know that it's just a symptom of the depression that I've been under but it's cutting my productivity.  It'll need to be brought under control.  Without further ado, here is what I read in 2021.

Books

Mexican Gothic - Silvia Moreno-Garcia

Untold Stories of American Indians: Encounters with Star People - Ardy Six Killer Clark

Vines (The Killer Book 1) - Brynne Asher (read 2x)

Midnight Sun - Stephanie Meyer

Paths (The Killers Book 2) - Brynne Asher (read 2x)

An Elder Lady Is Up To No Good - Helen Tursten

Devolution - Max Brooks

Gifts (The Killers Book 3) - Brynne Asher

Murder At Archly Manor - Sara Rosette

Viels (The Killers Book 4) - Brynne Asher

Trowel and Terror - H. Y. Hanna

Fronds and Enemies - H. Y. Hanna

Chronicles Of The Unexplained - Gary Gillespie (bought at iMagicon 2021)

Bridge of Souls - Victoria Schwab

Fifty Shades Of Grey - E. L. James (re-read)

Fifty Shades Darker - E. L. James (re-read)

Dark Stranger: The Dream - I. T. Lucas

Bottle Demon - Stephen Blackmoore

The Box In The Woods - Maureen Johnson

Spooky Creepy North Dakota - Lori L. Orser

Until The Tequila - Brynne Asher

Scars (The Killers Book 5) - Brynne Asher

Later - Stephen King

Troubled Blood - Robert Galbraith

Your Guide To Not Getting Murdered In A Quaint English Village - Maureen Johnson & Jay Cooper

Audio Books

A Keeper - Graham Norton

The Only Woman In The Room - Marie Benedict

The Mountain and The Sea - Kwame Dawes

Fight or Flight - Stephen King, editor

The Life We Bury - Allen Eskens

Interview With A Robot - Lee Bacon

Where The Forest Meets The Stars - Gwendy Vanderah

Short Stories

"I Own A Motel. I've Been Renting Out A Room To A Family Of Vampires" - Strange Dangerous

We Have Moved Again

 We are now in very sunny North Dakota. The sun is too bright here. It fades everything so quickly.  We've been here since mid-March.  We bought a house that needed the basement to be finished.  There were 3 months of construction and most of our stuff was still packed in boxes in the garage while the construction was ongoing.  This included all of my book.  I had no idea how much my bookshelves full of books were like a security blanket for me until this.  After 5 months of living here, the construction was finished in time for my birthday in July.  Then there was all the unpacking that then had to be done in the basement rooms.  We are only just now hanging photos and artwork.  Hopefully by Christmas it will feel more like home and be cooler outside.

Books Read in 2020

 Despite the upheaval that my family went through in 2020, I was able to get some books read although it was far less than I usually read.  I'd just come home so exhausted from my job I wouldn't even have the energy to read let alone be creative.  This year I have a more to look forward to and the adventures that come with it but I plan to make plenty of  time for reading in as many forms as possible.

BOOKS

The Air Raid Killer - Frank Goldamm

A Longer Fall - Charlaine Harris

The Hand on the Wall - Maureen Johnson

The Master Quilter - Jennifer Chiaverini

Gwendy's Magic Feather - Richard Chizmar

7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle - Stuart Turton

The Tea Master and the Detective - Alietle DeBodand

A Walk in the Woods - Bill Bryson

Every Heart a Doorway - Seanan McGuire

In The Shadow of Spinthrift House - Seanan McGuire

Ghost Money - Stephen Blackmoore

The Perfume Collector - Kathleen Tessaro

If It Bleeds - Stephen King

The Last Curtain Call - Juliet Blackwell

One Hell of a Ride - Seanan McGuire

No Place Like Home - Seanan McGuire

Married in Green - Seanan McGuire

Wave of Terror - Jon Jefferson

The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires - Grady Hendrix

The Neighbors - Ania Ahlborn

This House is Haunted - John Boyne

The Mystery Girl - David Gordon

A Tale from Paleface Creek - Robert F. Morneau

Granddaddy Gift - Margee King Mitchell

Duke Ellington - Andrea Davis Pinkney

Watch The Stars Come Out - Riki Levinson

Boom Town - Sonia Levitin

STORIES

The Fifth Step - Stephen King - Harper's Magazine Feb 2020

Batman and Robin Have an Altercation - Stephen King - Harper's Magazine Sept 2012

Everything But The Squeal - John Scalzi

AUDIBLE

Becoming - Michelle Obama

The Burnout Generation - Anne Helen Peterson

The Mystery of Alice -  Lee Bacon

The Last Emperox - John Scalzi

Camilla - Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu

Educated - Tara Westover

2020

 2020 was a terrible year for most people.  For us it was incredibly stressful even before the pandemic hit.  In October of 2019 my husband lost his job when his position was eliminated.  We thought he would have a new job by the first part of 2020.   In the meantime, and this is going to sound crazy, we followed through with a trip we had planned to visit our daughter in Japan.  We spent Christmas and New Years with her (two and a half weeks total) and it was awesome.  But the job my husband had interviewed for, that we thought was a done deal, fell through.  

In November of 2020 my husband's father died unexpectedly.  He was then dealing with his grief, trying to manage his father's estate, and trying to find a new job.  I've never seen him so lost as I did in the months to come.  

By March 2020, just as the pandemic was getting a foothold, I had found a job.  I worked as a scheduler for a local hospital chain.  In the months that followed I learned to book mammograms, CT scans, ultrasounds, MRI's, and much more.  It was a difficult job keeping all the information for the 8 different hospital locations straight - each location had different rules for the different tests.  It was all draining for me as an introvert to talk to people all day long and my empathy continually got the better of me.  Everyone calling in had something serious going wrong in their life.  I'd come home absolutely exhausted.  But it was a job and it provided insurance and income for my family - that's what mattered.  

At home my husband at first had trouble with this role reversal (there was also this deep depression as well).  He had never filed for unemployment before.  Luckily he filed before the crush from the pandemic and lock downs.  He began keeping house and making dinner.  If I'm honest, he did a much better job of keeping the house clean and he's a better cook than I am.  He also had to keep track of the appointments and services for our son.  He began to see what it was like for me while he worked.  It was eye opening for both of us.  We were doing everything we had to do to stay afloat until better days come.

In January of 2021, after applying for over 200 positions across 63 different companies, my husband was offered a position as a Research Agronomist in Minot, North Dakota.  He's been there since the end of January.  We will be moving there as a family in a few days.  I look forward to this new adventure in an area of the United States of America that I've never been to.  Hopefully, I can get back to this blog and more creativity in the coming year!

.

Books and Stories Read in 2019

 2019 was a blue-ribbon year of reading for me.  I somehow found time to read 6 stories and 45 books and listen to 32 audio stories/books!  I am especially fond of using audible to help me be more productive.  I can only listen to audio books when I am working - filing, cleaning, laundry, cooking, canning, etc. It has really boosted my productivity! Besides reading, it's been a busy year with so many ups and downs.  I hope that 2020 will be good for me and my family... and my "to be read" pile!


BOOKS

Threads of Deceit (A Vineyard Quilt Mystery) - Mae Fox and Jan Fields
Good Omens - Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
The Vanishing Stair - Maureen Johnson
Nobody's Secret - Michaela MacColl
Blood Communion - Anne Rice
Deadhead and Buried (English Cottage Garden Mysteries) - H. Y. Hanna
Silent Bud Deadly (English Cottage Garden Mysteries) - H. Y. Hanna
Myth Breakers (Gods and Monsters - Stephen Blackmoore
Greenglass House - Kate Milford
Fire Season - Stephen Blackmoore
The Secret Daughter of the Tsar - Jennifer Laam
Hunting Annabelle - Wendy Heard
Meddling Kids - Edgar Cantero
The Vanishing - Wendy Webb
Next Girl to Die- Dea Poirier
Wishful Drinking - Carrie Fisher
The Loneliest Girl In the Universe - Lauren James
Small Kingdoms and Other Stories - Charlaine Harris
A Certain Age - Beatriz Williams
House Rules - Jodi Picoult
Farewell, Dorothy Parker - Ellen Meister (signed)
The Cuckoo's Calling - Robert Galbraith/J. K. Rowling
Dorothy Parker Drank Here - Ellen Meister
The Silk Worm - Robert Galbraith/J. K. Rowling
Career of Evil - Robert Galbraith/J. K. Rowling
Lethal White - Robert Galbraith/J. K. Rowling
The Night Gardner - Jonathan Auxier
The Cat Who Saw Red - Lilian Jackson Braun
The Car Who Talked To Ghosts - Lilian Jackson Braun
Unnatural Creatures - edited by Neil Gaiman
Life As We Knew It - Susan Beth Pfeffer
The Dead and the Gone - Susan Beth Pfeffer
Tunnel of Bones - Victoria Schwab
I'll Be Gone In The Dark - Michelle McNamara
Finders Keepers  Stephen King
This World We Live In - Susan Beth Pfeffer
End of Watch - Stephen King
Midnight at the Bright Ideas Bookstore - Matthew Sullivan
The Outsider - Stephen King
That Old Black Magic - Mary Jane Clark
Beneath the Ashes - Dea Poirier
The Trap - Melanie Raabe
Doom and Bloom - H. Y. Hanna


STORIES

"Mr. Fox" - Theodora Goss - Enchanted Living Spring 2019
"The House Wins In the End" - L. Chan - thedarkmagazine.com
"What Cannot Follow" - Eugenia Triatafyllou - Oct 2019 FiresideMagazine.com
"O Have You Seen the Devle With His Mikerscope And Scalpul?" - Jonathan L. Howard - Apex-Magazine.com Issue 118 March 2019
"Twas the Night Before Yuletide" - Emma Tuzzio themuseinthemirror.com Dec 2014
"STET" - Sarah Gailey - firesidefiction.com Oct. 2018


AUDIBLE

Stephen Fry's Victorian Secrets - John Woolf and Nick Baker - read by Stephen Fry
Christmas Eve 1914 - Charles Oliver
Suspect Zero - Richard Kadrey - read by Wil Wheaton
If Ever They Happened Upon My Lair - R.A. Salvatore - read by Wil Wheaton
Red Shirts - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton
The Vampire Lestat - Anne Rice - read by Simon Vance
Harry Clark / Lillian - Dave Cale
The Audacity of Hope - Barack Obama
Zero G - Dan Wells - ready by Emily Woo Zeller
The Collapsing Empire - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton
The Consuming Fire - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton
The Seventh Bride - T. Kingfisher - read by Kaylin Heath
A Mind of Her Own - Paula McLain - read by Hillary Huber
Out of My Mind - Alan Arkin
Junk - Les Bohem - read by John Waters
Elizabeth II: Life of a Monarch - Ruth Cowen - read by Jennie Bond, Tim Piggot-Smith, Lindsay Duncan
The B-Team: Human Division - John Scalzi - read by William Dufris
Walk the Plank: Human Division - John Scalzi - read by William Dufris
The Ghost Brigades - John Scalzi - read by William Dufris
The Human Division - John Scalzi - read by William Dufris
Old Man's War - John Scalzi - read by William Dufris
The Last Colony - John Scalzi - read by William Dufris
Zoe's Tale - John Scalzi - read by Tavia Gilbert
The End of All Things - John Scalzi - read by William Dufris, John Scalzi, Tavia Gilbert
Rivals! Frenemies Who Changed theWorld - Scott McCormick - read by Josh Hurley
The adventures of Tom Stranger: Interdimensional Insurance Agent - Larry Correia - read by Adam Baldwin
Even Tree Nymphs Get the Blues - Molly Harper - read by Amanda Ronconi
Sovereign -Jeff Hirsh - read by Jesse Einstein
Mr. Mercedes - Stephen King - read by Will Patton
Skeleton Crew - Stephen King
Killer By Nature - Jan Smith
The Girl Who Drank the Moon - Kelly Barnhill
The Christmas Pact - Vi Keeland and Penelope Ward

Stumbling Blocks

When I was 21 years old I was working towards a Bachelor Degree in Accounting. Part of the curriculum for the Accounting degree included upper level accounting management and corporate accounting classes.  I sucked at these classes.  Math is actually not my strong suit.  One of the professors of an upper level accounting class would sometimes go off topic.  Sometimes he'd talk about personal things that bothered him.  On one occasion he spoke about how sincerely happy he was with his second wife whom he's recently married.  He followed this statement by saying that his first wife was nuts; that she'd been abused as a child (both physically and sexually) and that it had made her crazy.  He felt like it had been a bait and switch between dating and marrying her.  She'd seemed so nice before they'd married but then she just started having all these problems.  She was crazy and broken and damaged he explained, and so he'd left her.  He was miserable trying to deal with her but he was happy now.  He finished his long rant admonishing the young men in class that if they're dating a girl and they find out she's been abused that it would be best for them if they just left - as quickly as possible.  If she's damaged, then she'll just make you miserable.

 I sat listening to all this.  I could feel my face and neck turning splotchy crimson.  It felt like a personal attack even though the professor didn't mean it that way.  It made me question everything.  I was married and pregnant and trying to finish a degree.  It made me wonder if I should give it all up.  Just walk away and life alone on whatever job I could get with the Associates Degree I already had.  Just walk away now before my damage, my baggage could hurt anyone I loved.  Maybe it'd be best to just die before I hurt anyone at all.

I didn't walk away.  I went into counseling at the university I was attending.  His response was basically that if I wanted a happy marriage that I needed to 'put all this in the past' (meaning the abuse and all its after effects) and do whatever it took to make my husband happy (this included sexual situations as well).  This wasn't helpful at all.  I didn't finish my Bachelor Degree in accounting.  By the time my baby came I knew I wasn't cut out for anything other than basic accounting.  I also knew that if I wanted to be a good mother for my daughter I'd  need to find a different therapist.  This was in 1990-91.

A couple of years later we tried some marriage counseling, mainly because my husband said that if it helped ,e then it would help the marriage.  After two sessions it became one on one counseling.  My husband  just thought he didn't need any help but I did.  That counselor was through another university where my husband was working on his Masters Degree.  That therapist tried to diagnose me as Dis-associative Identity Disorder (DID) or Multiple Personality Disorder.  But then in the mid-90's that was all the craze with psychologists.  No other counselor/therapist/psychologist I've seen over the years has given me that label.  Still, it definitely wasn't helpful.

When I returned to school to try again to finish a Bachelors Degree I changed my major from Business/Accounting to English because I still had dreams of being a writer.  I did well in my classes while also juggling to be a good wife and mother.  I had a known/published author for a short story class.  As part of the class we would writer a story and after the professor graded them he would pick 2-3 stories that he would read anonymously in class.  He would use the stories as examples - either good or bad.  I wanted him to read my story.  I wanted the praise.  One day my dream came true.  He read my story and did say that it was well constructed.  After these few short words he, along with his class pet, proceeded to rip the topic to shreds (a woman recovering memories of abuse - a type of PTSD).  My face turned such a bright red.  I felt so humiliated.  I couldn't get out of the class fast enough.  I never tried as hard again in that class.  Not after having those two carry on about how the subject of abuse was overdone.  That there was an overflow of these types of stories.  Yes, the story was emotional and well written, but, oh, to have to hear one more story about a woman who was abused.  Who would want to hear THAT?!

I kept trying and through personal and group therapy I did get some help dealing with my personal demons (my damage, my brokenness).  I found therapists who encouraged journaling, writing, and art as ways to help work through issues.  I was once told that the journey to healing is a spiral that you move along on an upward path. Periodically you turn a corner and find yourself needing help dealing with an issue that still hasn't been dealt with. I've found this to be true at least for me.  Over the years when I find myself struggling and I know that I need help, I search out a therapist to help me.  I've learned that if the therapist isn't helping it just means that it's not a good fit.  It's not on me.  However, the words spoken to me early on in my life have been a stumbling block at times, coming back to me in deafening volume.  Indeed, our marriage has been difficult but the difficulties have never been one sided.  I am not the only 'broken' one here.  I've tried to be the best mother I can but I know I've failed on occasion.  I travel through life doing my best with what I have wherever I am on the spiral and basically that's all anyone can do.

First Book Attempt

I have been making up stories to entertain myself for as long as I can remember.  I wrote my first story around age 11.  However, my first attempt at a book had nothing to do with telling a story.  It was more of a hygiene and beauty guide that I hobbled together for myself.

I was an unpopular kid.  I was scorned by my peers for my red hair, freckles, doing well in class (teacher's pet), and my socioeconomic situation.  I never fit in because I never really understood how to fit in.  So around the time I was 12 I decided that if I just did the research on how to be poised and beautiful then everything would change. Of course, this was no My Fair Lady silver screen dream.

I checked out books from the school library about how to "do" the beauty thing (these books were from the 19050's - 60's as our library wasn't well funded).  I started with basic hygiene, grooming, and poise (posture, walking in heels, manners) and compiled the information from all the sources into a few paragraphs and a daily, weekly, monthly schedule that I felt was workable for me or the average person.

From there I moved to the basics of makeup and fragrance.  Unfortunately makeup was not allowed for me at that time.  I wanted to know the basics when the time came that I could.  I had a very sweet perfume (honeysuckle I think?) that my grandmother had given me at Christmas. The books said a lady would dab it on the wrists and on the neck behind the ears.

I wrote this self-help hygiene and beauty guide not only to try to level up to fit in, to try to make my peers forget the things they held against me, but to have something that I had control over.  I had no control of the abusive home I lived in  I had no control over rather my peers at school attacked me.  I could gather and coalesce information and ideas to improve myself.  I could try to improve myself despite all that was against me.



While the general plan to make myself palatable to my peers failed, I learned from the experience. First, I learned that you can learning amazing things through research - libraries are awesome for that.  I also learned that by gathering ideas and bits of information together, I created something new.  Put enough ideas, thoughts, imaginings, daydreams together and fiction is born.  Something new.  Something entertaining and amusing.  It was something that I could absolutely control.  It was exactly what I needed to survive through the darkest times.  Even today while I'm in much better conditions, I still need this - the act of creation - that is wholly in my control.

First Cuss

The first time I cussed out loud was in the eighth grade.  We were in the cafeteria for lunch or some other assembly for our grade.  By that age (13?) my peers already casually cussed whenever the chance arose and an adult was not present.  Paula Walker, Joanna McCord, Tammy Garrett, and someone else I can't quite remember were sitting with me at the table.  Or rather, they had allowed me to sit with them.

I was a quiet mousy girl.  One of the smallest in my class.  In the class photos I was inevitably placed on the front row because of my petite stature.  The others, who were my peers but never felt like my peers because they did not know my situation, saw me as an outsider.  Often I still feel that different-ness.

We sat at the table, the other girls discussing the cuss words they used.  Basically trying to show how "grown up" they were.  Then they turned to me after one of them pointed out that they never heard me cuss or even speak out of line.  They did not know what the consequences of doing so would mean for me at home.  I worked to be quiet and unseen at home so as to avoid trouble with my step-father/uncle who would have given me tremendous slaps to the head and face and/or beaten me with a belt.

At school I was quiet and tried to be unnoticed because I wanted  to avoid the bullies who at this point had noticed not only that I was different but was not maturing emotionally like they were.  Even these girls, who I had once thought of as friends had turned on me that year.  They would take my few personal things and keep them from me.  Throwing these things back and forth to each other over my head or simply taking something (like a precious book) and never returning it.  Yet I sat with them that day because they let me and I simply did not want to be alone.

So they cajoled me that not only did I not cuss, I probably didn't even really KNOW how to cuss.  Of course I knew how.  I had heard cussing at home both towards me and others and towards situations.  But I didn't want to because it felt like I would be giving up some pure part of myself that I'd never be able to get back.  So I told them that I didn't want to.  Which in turn caused the cajoling to turn to open mocking and hostility.  They would make the "baby" leave the table because she couldn't handle cussing.

I wanted to cry.  So often I wanted to cry but I couldn't back then.  Caught between being controlled and abused at home and then being mocked and bullied at school.  I couldn't cry in front of them.  I felt no alternative than to let slip a full sentence of cussing.  It stopped their mocking (momentarily) as they sat, mouths agape, at little miss priss uttering "god damn motherfucking son of a bitch".  These days, that seems like nothing.  In 1982, that wasn't something a good little girl said.

And yet, I admit that there might have been something I lost that day.  Like Pandora's box, once opened, I  could not stop cussing a little here and a little there to this very day.  Still seen as very rude, unladylike, and uncultured in certain company, I open my mouth and the words at times come out unbidden.

Reading List for 2018

2018 was a year of changes.  We moved in late 2017 which left me with establishing a new home and re-establishing all the services for my autistic son.  It took a lot of work but I got them all in place only to have some of them fall apart in the last weeks of 2018.  So here we go again!  But hey, I still have my great escape in reading!  I have an ever expanding personal library.  So much so that I’ve made a vow that if I don’t extremely love the book after reading it, if I don’t plan to read it again, then I have to let it go.  Now if I could just control myself at thrift stores, yard sales, and trips to Barnes and Nobles in the mall (I lie to myself that I’m only going in to look while my son is doing community days with Pokemon Go).  This year was also a big year for audio books with me as I’ve found I’m more productive when using them.  This came in handy while I was canning from the garden we planted this year and finishing the quilt for my great niece.  It will also come in handy as I start the “I’m going to exercise and eat healthier” new year’s resolution.   We’ll see how well an exercise routine fits into my life.

Stories Read in 2018

Leave the Window Open: A Wesley Ayers Story - Victoria Schwab
The Ordinary Woman and the Unquiet Emperor - Catherine M. Valente

Pocosin - Ursla Vernon/ T. Kingfisher - Apex Magazine
Laurie - Stephen King
The Scarlet Slippers - Joanne Harris - Faerie Magazine
The Makara and His Meal - Shveta Thakrar - Faerie Magazine

Books Read in 2018

Shakespeare's Champion - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)

Shakespeare's Christmas - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)

Shakespeare's Trollop - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)

Shakespeare's Counselor - Charlaine Harris (re-read due to the Me Too Movement)

Feral - Holly Schindler

The Fortune Quilt - Lani Diane Rich

Truly Devious - Maureen Johnson

Miss Bunkle's Book - D. E. Stevenson

Dusk or Dark or Dawn or Day - Seanan McGuire

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Presents: A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo - Jill Twiss, E.G. Keller (illustrated)

The Fate of Mercy Alban - Wendy Webb

A Head Full of Ghosts - Paul Tremblay

Black Orchid (graphic novel) - Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean

Best Loved Fairy Tales of Walter Crane (illustrated)

Norse Mythology - Neil Gaiman

Krampus the Yule Lord - Gerald Brom

This Savage Song - V.E. Schwab

Rolling in the Deep (novella) - Mira Grant

A Vintage Affair - Isabel Wolff

Life and Death - Stephanie Meyer

Gwendy's Button Box - Stephen King and Richard Chizmar

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant

Sparrow Hill Road - Seanan McGuire

The Lady of the Rivers - Philippa Gregory

City of Ghosts - Victoria Schwab

The Reformed Vampire Support Group - Catherine Jinks

The War That Saved Me - Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

The War I Finally Won - Kimberly Brubaker Bradley

Royals - Rachel Hawkins

Joe Hill's The Cape - Joe Hill, Jason Ciaramella, Zach Howard

World War Z - Max Brooks

The Things About Jellyfish - Ali Benjamin

An Easy Death - Charlaine Harris

Our Dark Duet - VE Schwab

By the Time You Read This I'll Be Dead - Julie Anne Peters

The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman

M is for Magic - Neil Gaiman

Audio Books in 2018

Agent to the Stars - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton

Astrophysics for People in a Hurry - Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Artemis - Andy Weir - read by Rosario Dawson

Locked In - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton

Lock and Key - Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodrigues - read by cast

The Android's Dream - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton

Needful Things - Stephen King

Dead But Not Forgotten: Stories from the World of Sookie Stackhouse - Charlaine Harris and Toni L. P. Kelner Editors - read by Johanna Parker

Fuzzy Nation - John Scalzi - read by Wil Wheaton

Strong Ending: From Combat to Comedy - narrated by Mary-Louise Parker

Elevation - Stephen King

Lullaby - Jonathan Maberry - read by Scott Brick

Feed the Dragon - Sharon Washington

Girls and Boys - Dennis Kelly - read by Carey Mulligan

Quilt for my great niece, Kaydense.