Trying to Find Myself

I have to admit that I feel lost.  I've written poetry and short fiction for so long - since I was 11.  It was a way to escape from the life I felt trapped in.  I'm way into adulthood but I still feel trapped.  Sometimes it's situations that you want to escape.  Sometimes it's yourself.  For me I think it's always been both.  As I get older I become more comfortable in my own skin.  Then there are weekends like this when I just feel lost in my own skin again.  I am deeply uncomfortable with my body and I feel like it's betraying me.  It's breaking down and in need of repair.  I'm going in for sugery on May 9th.  Part of me is extremely hopeful at the thought of a positive life-changing event.  Another part of me is very fearful.  It's a door closing.  What door will be opening for me?  I desperately need my life to be so much better than it is now.  In the end I have simple wants.  I want to be safe, healthy, happy, creative, and productive.  I'm not sure that I feel or am any of those things right now.  I pray for these things daily.

Weekend Finds

While out running errands yesterday I came across a large yardsale.  It looked as though someone was closing out an estate or two.  There were large pieces of furniture, books, artwork, linens, jewelry, electronics, home improvement items.  There were even doors and sinks!  I found a couple of lovely framed prints, a pair of shorts, and oddly, some really nice old jewelry.  I'm very happy with my finds and all I was charged was $3 for everything!  There was a strand of pearls that I mainly bought because of the lovely clasp that had rhinestones.  The strand had come loose from the clasp but I was able to repair it.  It's beautiful!  I'm spending the afternoon doing the laundry and cleaning the rhinetone, enamel, and gold tone pins and necklaces.  Some of these I'll keep and some of these I'll sell or give as gifts.  It'll little things like this that makes me happy despite the enormous amount of pain that I'm constantly in.

This the group - all this for $3!

It's actually Dogwood season right now in East Tennessee.  This one will stay in my collection.

Beautiful two strand bracelet will soon be going on sale at Ebay.

I LOVE this curved leaf!  This one is definitely staying with me.

This chain is super long, even after being doubled to go around the neck. The crystal insets are fushia, pink, and purple. This one ended up staying with me. Nice flapper length with gorgeous sparkles.

I adore vintage pins made of different colored crystals!  The lovely cocoa and amber shades with the aurora borealis stones are just fabulous!

This beautiful mid-century enamal and crystal pin comes from Coro. I love it. It's beautiful and unflawed.  But it's going on sale soon at either eBay.  (This has sold on eBay!)

This string of pearls has some weight to it.  They aren't real but they are very good imitations.  It was the clasp that caught my attention though.  It's silver with little diamond-like crystals in it. Just gorgeous.  The pearls had detached from the clasp and I repaired it.  It will be going on sale soon. (This has sold on eBay!)

The pendant almost looks like an outward explosion.  Or maybe the sun.  In this picture it almost looks like a comet with a tail.  I did a little cleaning and it was good to go.  I'll be putting it on Ebay soon. (This has sold on eBay!)

This lovely pair of clip on earrings will be in the mail soon, on their way to a new home with one of my sisters.  I hope she'll like them!

I love finding beauty and beautiful things.  Sometimes all I have to do is walk out the door or take a chance at an out of the way sale.  Beauty, simplicity, harmony, syncronicity - these make me happy!

In other news, we also planted the garden (before running errands).  In a few weeks we'll have 2 different kinds of  tomatoes, 3 kinds of peppers, squash, eggplants, basil, oregano, sage, cilantro, rosemary, parsley, strawberries, and blueberries.   I foresee a lot of canning and freezing in my future.  I hope it all won't slow my writing down.

In the Beginning

This is the beginning of something new for me.  I've used Twitter to try to reach out to people with my poetry and short fiction but this will expand what I'm really about.  Though not who I am.  I like to stay anonomous.  I often find myself caught up in anxieties.  It limits what I end up doing and enjoying in life.  I live in a house full of people who know me and try to understand my quirks, anxieties, issues, and oddness.  I hope to be able to reach out to others with this blog and share my writings and my artistic leanings.  I look forward to getting to know others.  I look forward to opening my heart.

Lelain de Peche

Author Self Portrait April 2012